OT Hi Again.

[Scott64A]

Hi folks,

It has been a long time since my last visit, and for that I apologize.
A lot has happened in my life since I was here last. For starters, I am still in paramedic school, and am scheduled to finish in less than two months! It has been hard to say the least. I have been working full time and being a dad and husband on top of it all.

The thing is, if any of you remember, my wife and I had been having problems for a while. To sum it up, I had been irresponsible for the first three years of my relationship with her, and, (so she says,) this is why she had an affair around 2 yrs. ago. It was hard, but I stuck by her and really turned my own focus inward to see and own my responsibility in all of it. The trouble is, she just went on, continuing to disrespect me, and even though she said she loved me, her actions were not consistent with that claim. In fact, when we decided that I should go to paramedic school a long 13 months ago, to better our financial situation and further my career in EMS, (one which I still love today,) and I tried to tell her it would take a great sacrifice on both our parts to get us/me through, she claimed we would get through it and she would help.

The trouble began when she went ahead and booked her "girl's week out" vacation, and flew up North for Thanksgiving, and then her and my daughter flew to Ft. Lauderdale for the week after Christmas. I protested the "girl's week" trip to Sedona, because I wasn't working any overtime due to school and clinicals, and we could barely afford what we had going on as it was. She refused to cancel her trip, and grew bitter for not aving any extra money. Eventually, I slipped down and down on her list of priorities, and she began treating me like an add-on, expendable. She was looking for reasons to leave me since her first affair, and clung bitterly to past resentments from before I had got it all together and changed careers. I had changed, and she had not.

She and her friend April dug around my computer one night back in April, and found that I had visited porn sites. She confronted me about it, and I am ashamed to admit it but I laughed at her. I really didn't see the harm in using pornography to "relieve" myself considering I was living in a relationship with zero intimacy, zero passion, and zero connections; emotionally, spiritually or physically. I know this doesn't justify my behavior in any way. She became irate and made me sleep upstairs for two weeks. We had been given tickets and hotel accomodations for a Family Life Ministries seminar in Sandestin, FL, and that was only a month away. She asked me if we could separate, and I asked her to wait until we had gone to the seminar and really worked on it some more.

We did go, and it was an awesome event. I really believed we could work it out, for God's glory. Again, the trouble was, she did not. What's more, she became unavailable to me in all areas, like a roommate who simply does the dishes, laundry and cares for the child when I'm not there and resents me for it. So, actually, WORSE than a roommate.

We spent the last three months of our marriage in a dissatisfied but neutral standoff, she growing more and more distant, me growing more and more frustrated at the lack of concern or inclusion. She would say things like, "Marley and I are going to the so-and-so's house this saturday." (Marley is our daughter, age four,) and I'd say, "Well? Am I invited? I have saturday off, you know." and it went on. She made arrangements for herself and our daughter, and constantly left me out of the loop.

I was desperate, and on one of my clinical rotations at a Dr's office, I got wind that the older physician was a pastor of over 30 years. I went in to talk to him.
I laid it all out, and was on the verge of tears. He shook his head and said, "Now, she doesn't sound like a Christian woman at all. She goes to church, professes faith in Christ, and yet treats her husband like a boob. You should have never let this go on for so long; you should never have married her. After her affair, you would have been well justified in leaving her for good. -You shouldn't have waited for her to grow up. She won't."

This was a shock to hear; I always believed it was a husband's duty and sworn responsibility to stay faithful, (which I have,) and never let the world come between you and your spouse. At any rate, it got the wheels turning.

I put my foot down. On the way home one afternoon after church, I told her I wasn't going to let her treat me like some sucker; that I deserved better from her. I expected her to start respecting me, and to stop acting as if we were two separate entities and start behaving like a married person should, like a partner.
She agreed to, but then just plain DIDN'T.

Finally, after she went to a poker party one night with some co-workers in the end f June, and claimed to have "blacked-out" from drinking, while my daughter was being babysat for by a couple teenage girls in the same house, I had had enough.
I had a strong hunch she was seeing someone else, and went to see my therapist.

He told me to grow some balls, and that it was worse to do nothing than to do the "wrong" thing and separate from her. He was gad I was mad finally.

She and I agreed to separate on July 21st, with joint custody and each paying half of Marey's expenses. At the end of the week, she moved out, and I find out from my daughter that some guy named Mark had come over with dinner the next day. "Mark came over, and brought dinner, and we played Hungry Hungry Hippos, and mumma grabbed Mark's wrists and kissed him in the kitchen". My stomach turned.

When we had had "the talk" and agreed to separate, I had suggested we find a lawyer to speed the process along. She went into the bedroom and came back with a big envelope and said, "I already have one we can use." I asked when exactly she had seen a lawyer, and she said, "Back in April." -Nice.

At any rate, I told her we wouldn't be using her lawyer, that we would get another one so there wouldn't be a conflict of interest, and since it was uncontested, it should be cheaper. She agreed, except the lawyer we found waited a month to tell us he didn't want to handle the case. My ex went back to the original lawyer, and filed a complaint for divorce.
In this "complaint", she and her lawyer were making an overt attempt to rape me for all of Marley's child support, with health and dental insurance thrown on top for good measure, along with me paying HER legal fees.

I called her and asked if she really believed that was fair, and why would she do this to me? She said, "I'm sorry, that's what the lawyer said.". When pressed firther, she simply clung to her mantra, and stonewalled me.
I had no choice but to go out and hire a lawyer myself, since she was taking advantage of me in this way. I was referred to a lwayer down in Atlanta by a good friend who told me, "This is the lawyer you need; she's a super-bitch. She is AWESOME and has been practising law for 30 years.".

OK, so I have the lawyer, and we are about to answer the complaint for divorce with our own version of what's fair. Typical stuff, except I will be the one who has primary custody, not her cheating behind, and I will be the one handling Marley's expenses and so the child suport will come to me, in Marley's legal residence, AKA: my house. She will pay my legal fees, since I was forced to hire representation, and since she makes a lot more money than me, she will pay her fair share, plus her share of the mortgage while her name's on it.

Of course, I don't expect to get all of that, but at least we have something to bargain with, unlike her. I feel sorry for her, because anyone who lies and cheats the way she does is obviously very hurt and confused inside. She even went so far as to try and use school and clinical time as a weapon against me, and what was I supposes to do, quit because she has forced me to kick her out? I don't think so, and neither does my attorney.

My attorney tells me that we will be able to get most, if not ALL of what we are asking. She knows the judge, and has been before her many times. She simply laughed at my ex-wife's complaint, saying, "If she thinks she can have her cake and eat it, too, well, she's got another thing coming, honey. No judge in their rigt mind would ever award her ANY of this. If anything, they'll see her act of leaving the property, her past affair and her obvious attempt to rake you over the coals as being in very poor taste."

I am still nervous, and don't like the waiting. I get my daughter every third day, overnight, and then drop her off at either school or my ex's. I will be done with school soon, and can't wait to be able to spend more time with my daughter. I also can't wait to be semi-rid of my ex, and have her bound to a court-ordered agreement. I also can't wait to become a paramedic, it's an extra $10,000/yr. and then I'll actually be able to afford my house. As it is, I'm drowning in bills.

I know this was long, but I wanted to share with the class some of my lessons at the school of hard knocks. Any prayers would be apreciated.
-Scott

[rjohns94]

Welcome back. glad you are on the road to getting things right. Your lawyer sounds good. You are in my prayers.

[2ndovc]

Hang in there man, it's tough but it will get better.

Went through it in '02. Came home one day and she'd packed up all her stuff and was gone.

Fortunately we didn't have any kids but did have some pretty good assets. Fought over that stuff for about 8 months and I finally got what I wanted. She made three times what I did and she got a real shock when she found out what it was going to cost her.

Best part is, a few months later all these pretty ladies started asking me out! Kept the best one and we've been married for a little over two years.

Best advice I can give is stick to your guns, listen to your lawyer and don't "cave" just to get things over with.

jason

[mescalero1]

56, single, no kids, face to the wind, no regrets,
Usually the guy gets raked over the coals in court, seen it happen way too often, hope your lawyer sticks it to her, she deserves it.

[gamekeeper]

Welcome back.
I've been there twice myself. Your lawyer sounds good, so keep your head up and remember it will get a whole lot better!

[Hobie]

Scott,

I wondered where you were but knowing of your studies was hesitant to "bug" you.

I sure do understand what you've been through and what you're going through. I wore out my T-shirt a long time ago but I've been there. You'll get through it. Try going to church regularly. That sure helped me. I'd recommend that straight talking pastor's church! In any case you'll be in our prayers.

[JerryB]

AMEN,AMEN to what Hobie said.Get in church and talk to the Lord.

[marlinman93]

Welcome back Scott!
I will echo JerryB, and hope you continue to rely on the Lord for support and guidance. He's always been there for me when I needed Him most!-Vall

[Andrew]

You will be in my prayers tonight. I hate to hear about stuff like this.

[Ysabel Kid]

You will be in my prayers tonight. I hate to hear about stuff like this.

Ditto. Glad to see you back, but hate to hear what you've been going through!

[Rusty]

You've been in my prayers here Scott. I didn't want to pry. You've been missed.

[Scott64A]

Thanks to all for the kind sentiments and prayers.

I am still hanging in there, trying to make ends meet until I get through paramedic school, get my numbers and get that $10,000/yr. raise. It stinks to be in this house paying the bills alone, and it's a weekly struggle to cover bills, fod daycare and fuel.

I have been going to church, not as often as I need to, but when I can. I went to a Catholic church this morning with a nurse I'm seeing and I really liked it. I lit a candle under Mary for my daughter and I to be able to eat for the next couple weeks, and when I got home to the mail, there were two checks in there from the school with enough for fuel and food until the next payday. Praise God, He provides when we least expect it sometimes, and always seems to be looking out for us. Hosanna in the highest.

Anyhoo, I do apreciate you guys taking the time to lift me in prayer, and being so kind and thoughtful, and just wanted to let you all know.

-Scott

[gamekeeper]

I'm glad to hear you are still hanging on in there. It will get better and you have many friends here.

[TedH]

Sounds like you've had a hard way to go lately, but things are now looking up. Best wishes and prayers for you and your daughter.

[C. Cash]

Welcome back Scott! Hang in there man...sounds like life is going to start getting better for you soon. You did the best you could it sounds like, and your focused on the important stuff. Keep it up! Great to see you back. Chris