El Chivo wrote:don't forget the Holy Hand Grenade (Chapter 12, Verse 7)
Thou doest not know thine Apocrypha... Chapter 2 v.9-21 being the Verses read by Brother Maynard outside of the Cave of Caerbannog...
In full:
The Book of Armaments
Chapter 2
1 The Lord spake to Saint Atila, saying, “Thou shalt stop being a coward; fight thine enemies”
2 For the Lord was bored.
3 Saint Atila dropped to his knees and pleaded, “But Lord, I havest no enemies”
4 And the Lord replied, “Then thou shalt fight the enemies of thine Lord
5 and thou shalt do so with much enthusiasm”
6 Then the Lord lowerdeth the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch from the clouds and spake,
7 “Now taketh thou hand grenade to thine ant hill”
8 And rid this world of thine enemy
9 And Saint Atila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying,
10 “Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade
11 that with it thou mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.”
12 And the Lord did grin,
13 and the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chunks of elephant dung, and cauliflower, and poppy, and watkins vanilla flavoring, and hooved felines, and limburger cheese, and dip n dots, and eel, among many other things.
14 And the Lord spake, saying, “First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin.
15 Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.
16 Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three.
17 Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three.
18 Five is right out.
19 Once the number three, being the third number, be reached,
20 then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thine foe,
21 who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.”
22 And so Saint Atila lobbest the Holy Hand Grenade
23 And the Lord frowned and spake, “Thou forgot to take out thine Holy Pin.”
24 To which Saint Atila did not respond
25 And the Lord continued in spaking, “Thou shalt recover thy Hand Grenade and proceedeth again”
26 To which Saint Atila did nothing
27 So the Lord sent a bolt of fire upon the ant hill
28 Sending small quantities of sand upon thine Holy Hand Grenade
29 And into the eyes of Atila, formerly known as Saint
30 And the Lord spake, “from this day forth thy Holy Hand Grenade will remain buried
31 And thine children, and thine children’s children, and thine children’s chilren’s children will be haunted by the ants of fire, and the worms, and the rabbits for generations.
32 And it was so.
33 And he saw that it was good.
