HUMOR - The Taser

[Rebel1972]

I found thid on another site and I nearly fell out of my chair laughing. Rebel

Taser Classic...don' t tell me you can read this without laughing... I laughed till I cried!!! ( Only a guy would do this!)

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.. Awe some!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions
and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong??

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicate ly on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
<BR>I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that hurt like heck!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,
Earl

[Sixgun]

Wow, he sounds like a candidate for the "Darwin Awards" but.............A couple of years ago, I hooked up this new battery powered electric line on our pasture fence out back because we had this horse who always thought the grass was greener on the other side. I wanted to see how powerful it was and to test to see if it was working, and like the stupid Italian I am, I touched it about 5 feet from where the 12 volt battery hooks up. A split second later I was looking at the sky. (oh that nasty trip my Mother took to Poland nine months before I was born)

[2ndovc]

Thanks for the laugh!!

Sixgun,

You're not the only one. I did the same thing after replacing a fence charger that blew after it or the fence got hit by lightnig. The replacement I bought was much larger. We had a Standardbred that was Houdini reincarnate! Thought it might slow down her attemts at going over the wall.
I'd gotten zapped by the old one a couple times. Like a bee sting. So I Wonder how much more powerful is this one?

WHAM! Felt like Babe Ruth hit me with a bat! My fillings still hurt!

[jazman]

Oh man, that's funny!
Once when I was a stagehand I was on an 8 foot ladder adjusting some stage lights. Didn't keep my hand on the plastic handle of the screwdriver, slipped onto the tang. Crossed some wires and ended up flat on my back on the stage. Wiseacre walking by asked if I was Evel Knevel's brother...darn wiseacres.

[Ysabel Kid]

Had that been Nath, he would have shocked the cat!!!

[Jeff Quinn]

I got Tasered once. I will never do it again.
This is the chick that talked me into it, and also the one who zapped me:

[jazman]

But I bet she didn't have to twist your arm too hard to get you to do it, right Jeff?

[Jeff Quinn]

I was outnumbered! There were two more there just like her.

[jazman]

Lucky you didn't get tased 3 times then!