When to say when ,elderly parent

[1894]

The sage advice and wisdom here has me asking this question.
I'm guessing that I'm not the first one here that has had to ponder the question of when to say when to either a Grandparent or Parent as they age and driving should or should not continue to be something they should still be doing.
Getting closer to that point with my just turned 83 year old Mom.
As my first sentence reads , I figure this place a good place to get a better understanding from others experience.
On one hand I don't want to pull the rug out from under her independence too early , on the other I don't want to wait too long.
Looking for guidance and wisdom here , I know every individual is an individual and circumstances are unique to every one and place they live and drive.
Thoughts ? Experiences ?

[Blaine]

Get them to drive you around for awhile....Tread lightly. Sorry, I'm there too. Mom is 86

[2ndovc]

Getting my grandmother on my mom's side off the road was really difficult. After a couple minor accidents we all begged her to please stop driving. She had plenty of people to take her places or get things for her.

It finally got through to her when she nearly ran over a pregnant girl in a parking lot. Everyone was ok but it could have been
awful. After that she made her own decision to hang up her keys. She was 89 at the time.

For some people their independance is critical. I know my mother won't care but I'm sure my dad will put up a fight.

jb

[rossim92]

i've always said this, when one turns seventy, they should have to take another driving test as they did when they were 16. It might saves some of us the heartache of telling our parents they need to hang up the keys. I'm 48 now. and the way the gubment going now, i will probably have to take one myself within the next twenty years. What really is sad is to watch elderly drivers trying to make a ninety degree turn into a parking lot at two miles an hour and doing it with their mouth wide open the whole time. The bad part is i still have my motorcycle license. Try that manuever on a bike one time and see what happens.

[Mescalero]

After some close calls my mother saw the light.

[jeepnik]

Like Mescalero, my Mom decided by herself when it was time to quit. But, we were able to get her one of thos three wheeled electic vehicles. Fortunately for her, the grocery store, pharmacy, hair dresser, etc were all within normal walking distance for a young person, with good sidewalks the entire way. She was able to remain independent for several more years.

I don't know what the area you Mom lives in is like, but if something like that would work, it's a pretty good deal. What most older people fear isn't so much not being able to drive, but the loss of independence. I imagine that after decades of simply going somewhere when you want, and suddenly needing to rely on others is a tough thing to deal with.

[stretch]

Everybody is, of course, different.

My grandfather finally admitted he was basically blind and
stopped driving, but he continued longer than he should have.
He was almost 90 when he stopped.

My grandmother on the other side hit a police car at age 94
while exiting a parking space. The judge she could have her license
back if she could pass the standard driving test. She couldn't.
Any time the subject was raised thereafter, she ranted and raved
about the unfairness of it all. She was not a great driver in
her prime. My father said he was never so terrified as when he
went for a ride as a passenger with her in the driver's seat. This
from a man who bailed out of a B-17 over the English Channel!

Loss of control and freedom, or the perception thereof, is the biggest
hurdle to overcome. 2nd is probably the idea that asking anyone for
assistance is "bothering" them. Many, many older folks were raised at a
time when one did for oneself or did without.

Maybe telling her that not only would it NOT be an imposition to help her
out, it would give everybody more "visiting" time. Worth a shot!

Read about Mr. Jenkinson's reason for giving up his Vincent - at 83
he couldn't pick it up anymore if he dropped it!!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article ... 0-000.html

-Stretch

[AJMD429]

Have her DOCTOR be the bad-guy...

Patients come in all the time and I see a little note from my nurse "Her daughter says she's really not a safe driver anymore", and we just schedule a "driving evaluation" for the patient, after I say something diplomatic about her "reflexes" or something after examining her a bit. The patients seem to go along with it better that way. The evaulations are done at a local neurology clinic, but I think the BMV's will do them upon request as well.

[Mescalero]

I am in Phoenix for medical reasons 3 biopsies and no cancer.
You are a good doctor, that is how my mother came to give it up, at the advice of her doctor.

[1894c]

She was not a great driver in
her prime. My father said he was never so terrified as when he
went for a ride as a passenger with her in the driver's seat. This
from a man who bailed out of a B-17 over the English Channel!

stretch -- i had a long busy tiring week...that comment just made my day...i laughed so hard my wife asked me what was so funny...i replied...nothing... :)

[madman4570]

Get them to drive you around for awhile....Tread lightly. Sorry, I'm there too. Mom is 86

yep!
If she demonstrates good skill/awareness still--------------------maybe some time longer???????
Good luck with that one!

[madman4570]

Get them to drive you around for awhile....Tread lightly. Sorry, I'm there too. Mom is 86

yep!
If she demonstrates good skill/awareness still--------------------maybe some time longer???????
Good luck with that one!
When you do tell her------------lock up all guns

[JerryB]

Rossi92, print a copy of your post and file it away. On your seventy year old birthday take it out and read it, see how you feel about it then.

[kkoi]

Rossi92, print a copy of your post and file it away. On your seventy year old birthday take it out and read it, see how you feel about it then.

I second this.

I am 69. My eyesight (corrected with glasses) is 20/15. I commute by bicycle. I can do 100 pushups (straight back, full up and down) in 55 seconds, and can do 5 one-arm pushups. I still shoot as well as ever with iron sights. My ice skating moves make many young people envious. My last traffic ticket came in 1969. And I don't stand out in my gang, which has 70+ year-old rock climbers, downhill skiers, elk hunters, backpackers, fishing guides, and weight lifters.

[model55]

It is more then driving that they give up but some level of independence.I got lucky in that my father stopped by his choice, had I to do it over I'd step in as it can really bring a lot of stress. It gets to be a gamble and something you may want to consider is that even if they are not at fault if something does happen it can very easily be made to look that way just because of their age.My father had a good income so I hired a care service which had a lady come every so often and do things for him including driving.Being an incurable flirt that he was, this I felt helped ease the decision. I wish you the best it is not a fun call to have to make.

[rossim92]

Rossi92, print a copy of your post and file it away. On your seventy year old birthday take it out and read it, see how you feel about it then.

hey like stretch says, everybody is different. The test just might make it easier for some folks to accept they should not be driving anymore. i'm pretty openminded, If my kids or dmv says no, i can deal with it.

[DixieBoy]

This one hits close to home. When my Dad turned 92 in February of 2010 his driver's license was also due to be renewed. By this time Mom had been gone only six months and me and my brothers were doing all we could to see that Dad kept his independence. You guys who've noted that are right. It's not so much the driving itself, it's the independence.

I was seeing Dad about 3 times a week after Mom died and taking care of alot of things in his place, just to help out. I had Dad drive to his favorite restaraunt (thankfully, only about 1/4 mile away from his home) with me in the passenger seat to discretely evaluate his driving. Amazingly, the old man's reflexes were very sharp right up till the end, but still, I worried that he wouldn't pass his license renewal test. If that had been the case I was preparing to move down with him, so that he could maintain his routine. But I sweated that renewal test.

On his last birthday in February 2010 my Dad passed his driver's test. It meant the world to him. We did, however, have sort of an unofficial "1 mile rule." Dad knew that his memory was a bigger worry than his reflexes towards the end. In other words, he might not remember where he was if he had gotten too far from the familiar neighborhood of home.

This is one of the toughest things to have to deal with, if you're close with your folks like I was, and most of you guys are too. And our time will come too, rest assured. Like the man said, it just ain't fair, gettin' old. - DixieBoy

[Cliff]

Good Topic to discuss and think about. My grandfather quit driving when he was around 80 due to running over a house cat. It bothered him and he gave his car to my Father. My dad drove until in his 90's but when his eyes began going bad he quit. One idea I have read about is if the person is living in town and doesn't really go out much, sometimes you can contact a Taxi Company and enter into a contract where they will pick the person up, take them where they want to go, even load stuff like groceries and such into the taxi, when they pick them back up. Have the person in question present if possible to insure they get what they need. The costs are guarenteed in the contract and the services expected or required. It seems like a good idea. I talked to several different taxi companies and they were aware of this contract idea and were willing to enter into such a deal. On the other hand, have the person whose driving maybe a problem, move down here to Florida. No one will notice the difference. We used to have a lot them out on Electric Golf Carts but it was stopped for safety reasons. One thing I hate to see is people of limited mobility is having them riding those little three wheeled scooter used for inside a house. They do venture out on the high traffic roads. Not always their fault it is all they have to get around due mostly to disabilities. Just my say on it. Good Luck and ATB

[1894]

Thanks for all the replies !
Even on a topic that is about as far away from Leverguns as you can get , the helpfulness , insight , experience , and advice found here is simply amazing .
Thank you all.

[Hobie]

My dad had macular degeneration and finally admitted he was beyond driving when he bumped another vehicle while parking. He immediately quit driving. Mom was another story as she forgot how to drive, i.e. operate the car, and left the lights on, twice. She was already exhibiting some "cognitive dissonance" in that she could not accept that other drivers were driving reasonable speeds or that she could no longer remember the route to her favorite places. I let the car sit with a dead battery. This required no "insulting" taking of the keys or license. BUT everyone, even with Alzheimer's is different. You just do your best and remember to SHOW your parent(s) that all you do is out of love for them.

[Old Time Hunter]

It is more then driving that they give up but some level of independence.

This is the crux of the situation and to tell or "make" someone that has lived his whole life "his way" change for the possibility of him doing something wrong, is the real moral dilemma.

My Father is now 83, had a serious stroke this past October 28th (did not get out of rehab until Feb 21st), was told that he had less then a 10% chance of recovering enough to live on his own, much less drive, is now making his normal daily runs to his prescribed drinking holes. The doctor tried to explain why she needed to ask him to refrain from driving and drinking, and he just blew her off. He said that he would rather be dead than have his freedom taken from him...and he is serious.

One of his life long friends had his license taken away when he was declared "legally blind", never stopped him either. It is a hoot to watch those two elderly guys go down the road in the same car, my Dad tell'n his friend when to stop or turn and Charlie yell'n at my Dad to quit being a back seat driver. Fortunately they are in a more rural area and their stops are pretty much straight lines from their homes. Can't figure one thing out though, my Dad can make it to the Legion no problem, but expects me to drive over 100 miles to pick up something at the grocery store for him.

[Mike D.]

My Mom is 88 and shows no signs of slowing down any time soon.

[KCSO]

We deal with this all the time and most relatives are so afraid they will make the driver mad they leave it to L/E to deal with. My general rule of thumb is ride with them for one hour and if they don't scare you they are good to go. Don't count on help from the family doctor unless YOU pay his billl.

[1894]

Thanks again everyone .
She's pretty healthy and alert , runs in the family as her mom was only a couple months shy of 100 when she passed .
First thing she learned to drive was a team of horses because she was the oldest . Lernt the basics driving a standard transmission on the tractor her dad finally bought.
Just getting to the point where very busy city traffic may be a little too much for her , and I'm thinking the 6+ hour drive to visit her sisters and brother in Ontario is a bit much as well.
She lives a mile outside of a one stoplight rural town , so being still able to drive to the store , bank , church , and family Dr. is something that I think she is well capable of doing. She is also one to take others to local places that need a ride.
We will keep a closer eye on her and her driving skills as time goes forward.
May be much ado about nothing for a long time , or not so long of a time .
She's pretty bright and amiable so an ongoing discussion with her is in order. When the time comes it comes , I'm sure she won't be resentful or angry. Frustrated and the lack of independence along with not being able to help out neighbors will be the hardest part for her along with having to ask for a ride somewhere.
Best thing from this thread , I'm in a better place mentally for what's ahead sooner or later. I had a couple things I had thought of reinforced and also a few options that never would have crossed my mind if I didn't ask here.

[model55]

Remember as well that she is a part of the great generation,they grew them different back then .Dad had some limitations that were gently imposed over time like no night driving and so on.

[FWiedner]

It's a hard necessity to try and help someone who needs oversight but doesn't want it.

It also begs the discussion of sticking noses into lives where the noses aren't welcome.

Tough row to hoe.

I guess it's just a part of being an adult in a family.

[Mescalero]

This is a tough one.
A lot of you guys have heard me speak of my uncle ( with affection ).
But he is really becoming a menace to society.
Too much money, leads to ability to purchase too much horsepower, a " do things my way " attitude.
I have not, but circumstance; has created a monster,that has been let out of the box; and nothing I can do will curtail it.
The best I can hope for is that he takes himself out and does not involve anyone else.

[olyinaz]

I just shake my head when some of y'all talk about your parents in their late 80s or 90s doing just fine. My Dad started to come down with noticeable dementia in his mid-70s and cancer finally took him at 79. Strange how God numbers the days of our lives...but I digress - the point I was going to make is that it had become a real problem for us because Dad was just NOT going to give up on driving when it was appropriate to do so. The cancer finally put him down so hard that the day I drove him to the hospital was the day after the last time he drove his car - he never left care facilities after that.

So sometimes LIFE just makes the decision for you. If that doesn't happen, you have a real problem on your hands and I wish I could help but we were stuck in the quandary ourselves so...

Oly