Humor - John Cleese announces world Security Levels

[FatJackDurham]

ALERTS TO THREATS
IN 2013 EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.


The Scots have raised their threat level from "upset Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.


Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."


The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."


Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.


Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person

[FatJackDurham]

Naturally, it's all in good fun. No offense intended to the multinational among us......

[AJMD429]

John Cleese is a master...

[Ysabel Kid]

[FatJackDurham]

My favorite bit is about the New Spanish Navy getting a good look at the Old Spanish Navy... I laughed out loud at that one.

[GoatGuy]

Same here!

[gak]

[El Chivo]

great stuff, but I doubt if John Cleese did this: I've been seeing parts of this going around since the 'net was young.

[JimT]

I work with some Scots. I believe the description is accurate.

[jeepnik]

You know, the French may have a screwed up government. But, do not underestimate the French military. During WWII, the government may have surrendered, but the French military did not, and many an allied airman, and many a soldier on D-Day and there after would not have survived had it not been for the "Free French" and the French Resistance. In fact, had it not been for the Resistance folks, the "Pathfinders" who were to mark the drop zones for the paratroops to follow, wouldn't have known where to land.

And, I won't even get started on what the Foreign Legion has been and still is capable of.

[7.62 Precision]

. . . many an allied airman, and many a soldier on D-Day and there after would not have survived had it not been for the "Free French" and the French Resistance. In fact, had it not been for the Resistance folks, the "Pathfinders" who were to mark the drop zones for the paratroops to follow, wouldn't have known where to land.

Sure, the French resistance was romantic, tragic, and heroic all at once, just the sort of thing a frenchman could pour his romantic soul into . . .

Just kidding of course; the partisans across Europe fought an amazing resistance and proved just how hard it is to subjugate the will of a determined people fighting for a just cause.

[FatJackDurham]

As i said, it is just humor. In fact, in Bosnia, when the Serbs went around intimidating the Peacekeepers into surrendering, there was a French soldier who was surrounded by Serbs while getting water or something. The Serbs demanded he surrender and get his outpost to surrender.

The Frenchman, called their bluff, punched the lead Serb in the nose and returned to his post, giving the Serbs a lesson on the finer points of classical French profanity.

[Pete44ru]

My favorite bit is about the New Spanish Navy getting a good look at the Old Spanish Navy... I laughed out loud at that one.

Oh, Yeah ! ROTFLMAO ! !

Especially after the 1588 "Bloody Nuisance" alert for the reaction to the Spanish Armada............



.

[jeepnik]

My favorite bit is about the New Spanish Navy getting a good look at the Old Spanish Navy... I laughed out loud at that one.

Oh, Yeah ! ROTFLMAO ! !

Especially after the 1588 "Bloody Nuisance" alert for the reaction to the Spanish Armada............



.

Small point of fact. The British navy didn't beat the Spanish armada. Weather did the job nicely. I imagine had the entire armada faced the British, both at full strength, the story would have been much different. British navy folks always seem to forget this little point.

[FatJackDurham]

Small point of fact. The British navy didn't beat the Spanish armada. Weather did the job nicely. I imagine had the entire armada faced the British, both at full strength, the story would have been much different. British navy folks always seem to forget this little point.

Well, yeah, they're British...

[geobru]

Small point of fact. The British navy didn't beat the Spanish armada. Weather did the job nicely. I imagine had the entire armada faced the British, both at full strength, the story would have been much different. British navy folks always seem to forget this little point.

Well, yeah, they're British...

[gamekeeper]

Small point of fact. The British navy didn't beat the Spanish armada. Weather did the job nicely. I imagine had the entire armada faced the British, both at full strength, the story would have been much different. British navy folks always seem to forget this little point.

Well, yeah, they're British...

The Spanish Armada (Spanish: Grande y Felicísima Armada or Armada Invencible, literally "Great and Most Fortunate Navy" or "Invincible Fleet") was the Spanish fleet that sailed against England under the command of the Duke of Medina Sidonia in 1588, with the intention of overthrowing Elizabeth I of England and putting an end to her involvement in the Spanish Netherlands and in privateering in the Atlantic and Pacific.

The Armada reached and anchored outside Gravelines, but, while awaiting communications from the Duke of Parma's army, it was driven out by an English fire ship attack. In the ensuing battle, the Spanish fleet was forced to abandon its rendezvous. The Armada managed to regroup and withdraw north, with the English fleet harrying it for some distance up the east coast of England. The commander decided that the fleet should return to Spain; it sailed around Scotland and Ireland, but severe storms disrupted it. More than 24 vessels were wrecked on the western coasts of Ireland. Of the fleet's initial 130 ships, about fifty never returned to Spain.

Like the man said we're British....

[gundownunder]

And, I won't even get started on what the Foreign Legion has been and still is capable of.

Ah, I think foreign is the operative word there, as in, they weren't French.

Oh yeah, and the barbie will go ahead as planned. FUBAR or not we still gotta eat.

[Ji in Hawaii]

The Scots have raised their threat level from "upset Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.


Amen to that!

[Bruce Scott]

And, I won't even get started on what the Foreign Legion has been and still is capable of.

Ah, I think foreign is the operative word there, as in, they weren't French.

Their officers are French as are about 25% of their rank & file.

[bdhold]

I doubt of Cleese wrote it - I could be wrong - but it is good fun.