OT: Lawyer Humor

[Pete44ru]

For your entertainment & pleasure - some witty reparte' :


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This "myasthenia gravis", does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes .
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________________________ ______ _________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Having sex
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________ ______ ___

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________<

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: I believe so. If not, he was by the time I finished.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_____________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
_________________

.

[TedH]

[Gun Smith]

Wonderful, where do you guys get this stuff?

[Ysabel Kid]

Priceless... one of my favorites!!!

[2571]

This was funny when I first heard them in 1972.

[Lawyer Daggit]

Had a client in the box giving evidence once who said ' I reversed the Beetle out of the parking spot and when I looked to see if anything was coming it already had'.

[JReed]

[piller]

When I answered the phone this morning at work, the person on the other end asked, "Are you open?" I answered yes, and she said, "Good, I hoped I wasn't talking to a machine. Are you sure you aren't a machine?" I was very tempted to give a smart-alec remark. Very tempted.

[Lawyer Daggit]

We have a system in Australia where motorists are flagged down for a random breath test. They are then asked to breathe into a machine which indicates their blood alcohol level. (I understand this method would probably violate US probable cause laws- which we do not have here)
If it is over .05 they are charged with a drink driving offense, the severity of which is judged by the level of the reading as low, medium or high range prescribed concentration of alcohol.

My client first blew a high range prescribed concentration of alcohol result and was charged with the offence, bailed and released. He returned to his vehicle and was pulled over by the same breath test unit twenty mins later. They asked 'Have you been drinking sir', he replied 'Yes' and waving the alco reader certificate at the officer said ' and I have got a F*****g certificate to prove it'. He blew medium range second time around.

[Borregos]

[Old Time Hunter]

Thanks Pete, needed a good start to the day!