OT - I need some advice

[Ysabel Kid]

I didn't want to hijack my own thread on "Beowulf", but a topic came up on that thread that I've been thinking about for a while.

When did your father give you "the talk"?

Mine did when I was in 8th or 9th grade - about 4 years too late, if I recall (from me hearing about the birds and the bees - with all the inaccuracies of youth - from kids at school).

My son is 9 and in 4th grade. He notices girls now - especially pretty ones (actually has for a while), and is starting to ask questions. I answer them honestly, but haven't gone into any additional details. My fear is he will not ask - be embarassed to do so. So, it is probably up to me to initiate the conversation. I just don't want to do it too soon, and I must admit, part of me is just not ready for my little guy to grow up...

Words of wisdom?

[RSY]

You're right on the timing. I can recall girls "budding" in the 5th grade and knowing what I wanted to do with them. I was actually propositioned by two female classmates while in the 4th grade!

So, I'd say the time is ripe. Stake your rightful claim as a father to lead your son into this next phase of his life. Not that it'll be easy, but just break the ice and let him guide the conversation via his questions.

The real trick is going to be how and when to tell your daughter. When you figure that one out, let me know.

scott

[TedH]

Well, I can't help you. We only have a girl, and I figure that will be her Mama's job when the time comes.

[Leverdude]

Ya know,
I been wondering the same thing. I'v got one 9 & one 11.

I dont recall my dad & me ever having any specific discusion & I'm inclined to pay attention & bring it up when it needs doing.
My little guy likes girls better than Brendan but he's got no real use for them. He just likes the attention. Bendan could care less about them unless they wanna climb trees, catch frogs & do the things 11 year old boys do.

[Jeeps]

I didn't want to hijack my own thread on "Beowulf"

I see you finally found someone you won't hijack

Just joshen ya bro

I never got "the talk" from my Dad, I had a brother that was 16 years older
than me and a Jarhead to boot.

Needless to say I learned all the wrong stuff. I could please a woman but couldn't
keep one for the life of me.

Now go have a talk with Jr. and make him a ladykiller

God bless

[pharmseller]

Ummmm...
What talk?


Just make sure he respects girls.


Quinn

[Tycer]

Give him the talk about genital herpes.

[mescalero1]

You know I thought about this in your original post, and I held my council,
I never had any children, but my girlfriend had a baby girl when I met her.
I did NOT know the things to do.
But I felt sure I knew the things NOT to do, try to go with the flow.
Make sure he knows to respect the womenfolk,
nature has to take it's course

[horsesoldier03]

Definately getting to be that time. I think I was in 5th or 6th grade but like they say, kids are growing up faster these days.

As a father of 2 girls I trust that you will educate him appropriately!

[mod71alaska]

"The talk" is a much bigger deal for the parent than the child! Good luck!

[shooter]

I'm not aware of your religious beliefs, or if you have any, but I would advise bringing the Bible into the discussion. I know it's getting harder for kids to wait, but teach him that it's best to wait until marriage. Show him Scripture about sexual purity, Paul talks about it in 1 Corinthians, as well as other places. The OT has a lot of references also. Make sure he knows that women aren't just sexual objects, that they are to be respected. Though with girls' behavior these days that's getting harder to do also, lol.

This is definitely the right time to have the talk. The more he learns from you and the less he learns from his friends, the better off he is.

[Andrew]

I never got the talk. I did however grow up in church where the Bible was always there to tell me how to be.

[Rusty]

Growing up on a farm makes that talk come earlier. I never really had one single talk with my son. It was more like just answering questions all along.

Daddy, why is that one cow trying to climb up on top of that other one? Then we were off to the races. Then the questions kept coming and coming till we got everything covered. Never make fun of a question instead answer with, that's a very good question and tell how it relates to other things as well.

[Ysabel Kid]

Thank you gentlemen. I will be incorporating all of this advice. My wife and I, as well as my kids and I, have a very warm, close connection. I hug and kiss them all and tell them I love them many times per day. It creates a wonderfully close bond with all of us. I just know that after the discussion, my bright little boy is also going to realize the bond between his mother and I is unique. Good and bad - good as a role model for the future, but he'll never quite look at us the same way.

As for my 5 year old daughter, I have a ways to go - and that will probably be Mom's lead. As she has always told the kids - only somewhat in jest - "no fun until you're 31!". Wishful thinking on her part (we were married when I was 25 and she was 23, so she is way off!).

My goal is that he learns to respect women, that he learns the biblical and moral significance of sexuality, and that he learns things right (not the stuff he'll hear from older kids) - which is all getting harder each day in this society. You can't turn on the TV to watch even a "safe show" without an advertisement - during early evening hours no less - that includes shows or products with adult themes. What really got me thinking was we were watching a "safe" show - his "Walking with Dinosaurs" tape, and he asked why the one dinosaur was climbing on the other. Not quite Rusty's cow experience, but along the same lines!

Thanks again for all of the advice.

[Comal Forge]

I raised four boys to adulthood and none have left progeny in their wake (knock on woody... ). They all have had steady girlfriends and I have no doubt they have been physically active.

Basically, I presented it over a long period of time - not just one conversation. My wife is not a prude so it was discussed openly in the house - more about clinical than anything. The oldest brought home a Playboy and hid it under the bed, but his mom found it while cleaning his room. I brought it out and waited until all of them were home - then we discussed it as a group. That embarrassed the oldest one but that was his reward for being sneaky.

You should also realize that there is so much information out there today that only someone kept locked in a dungeon would not at least be aware of gender anatomy. Above all, teach personal responsibility - I told my boys that they better be prepared to spend the rest of their lives with any girl they got pregnant as the baby would be my grandchild and I would not tolerate any neglect on their part. That seemed to make more impact than me raising hell about abstinence or diseases.

[Ram Hammer]

I married a woman with two boys 13 and 15 years old. Call me a masochist! A couple of things I learned from this experience were.....

Urban legends are as alive today as they were when we were kids. Maybe more so. Always be ready to correct misinformation about sex to your kids and be there first with the important stuff. Up until kids are about 20 to 25 years old, they will believe anything they hear from their peers. I guess it is the optimism of youth.

The girls are much more agressive and maturing earlier that they did when we were kids. Some ascribe this to the growth hormones in the beef, pork and chicken we eat every day. My wife is an elementary school teacher and frequently talks about the little girls that are "developing" at earlier ages.

Good luck

[Blackhawk]

Give him the talk about genital herpes.

With lots of gross looking pictures of those and other STD's!

Seriously, I'd talk to him. My daughter is about that age and starting to ask questions. Some are embarassing but I'd rather talk to her and explain things rather than someone else. My folks never gave me the talk and I wish they would have. My brothers don't talk to their daughters about such things but I will. Kids need to know to repect their themselves and others. May be tough but if your as close as I am, and I think you are cause what you describe as a loving relationship is what I have with my children, I hug and kiss them and tell them I love'em every chance I get, but they also know that I can and do have a firm hand when needed, then I'd seriously consider talking to'em.

Johnny

[Caco]

A lot of good advice. Important for them to get the right perspectives before public educrats teach them
Dave

[rjohns94]

I would say now is the right time. Though embarrassed, if you relate to him as a man, it goes over very well. My son didn't want to have the conversation, but I when I conveyed this was a talk between men, a very important topic, it went over well.

Not to brag, because there is no place for that here, but my son took a vow of chastity when he was young. He is 23 and is still living to that vow, saving sex for marriage. Through our church, there were purity weekends where the children had a whole weekend of discussion and teaching on the topic. They cater to all age groups. They start in Jr High and up. I think that is too old. I remember what I was like in 6th grade and the desire that started there. Anyway, Honest, Open, Transparent or HOT communication is essential in these things. Good luck with your decision.

Blessings

[FWiedner]

YK, a man has his ideals but has to live in the real world.

If he's noticing, it's time to start talking. It's a larger issue than morals, it's personal responsibility and safety.

You don't have to give him all the gory details, just enough for him to digest the facts at his level of interest. Just open the channel.

I have to say that I admire you for even expressing such a concern. Some men can't get past their own issues to address basic subjects that raise a son right.

Thumbs up, dude.

[Jason_W]

Things like this make me glad I'm not a parent. It's probably the most awkward parent/child discussion that can occur.

You can try my dad's approach, "If you get a girl pregnant, I swear to god I'll kill you."


He's mellowed a lot since then.

But I never knocked anyone up.

[wm]

I started discussing stuff with my sons at age 8.......I opened the dialogue by explaining to him that before he starts having girl friends he needs to learn to be a friend. I am lucky to have a great relationship with my wife, my mom & dad and my in laws also. We would all refer to our spouses as our best friends.

Since that first conversation I have let things take a natural course with both boys (they have matured at different rates and with different levels of interest in such matters) and kept our conversations low key and frequent.

I think an important element has been not shying away from uncomfortable subjects like homosexuality and oral sex (thanks Bill Clinton!). The boys know that even if I squirm and hem & haw a little I will stick it out and talk as long as they want.

So far so good for me & mine but I would say you know your kid better than anyone else....follow your gut.

Wm

[bunklocoempire]

Ysabel Kid wrote:

My goal is that he learns to respect women, that he learns the biblical and moral significance of sexuality, and that he learns things right (not the stuff he'll hear from older kids)

You nailed it, I cannot stress enough the emotional aspect (from the womans point of view). The "mechanics" are one thing but how women react to an intimate situation is also key. Woman and men are wired differently etc., vague enough for ya? "Mechanics", respect, being a real man, cover them all, for your sake, your boy, and all those he will encounter. Appreciate you taking responsibility!

Bunkloco

[Nath]

I admire you YK for even asking this on here, your love for your family knows no bounds. Respect to you Sir.
I did it with our girl whilst harvesting rabbits once the questions started about "whats the differance between the boy rabbits and girl rabbits dad" I just told her how it is and then covered some of the dangers but also I explained some of the special rewards from a loving relationship between two married people etc. I shut up when she started yarning She does know that she will get nothing but the truth from me, it's just a shame she forgot the married bit
nath.

[gcs]

Gee, from reading all this, I see my approach may have been lacking.

I told my son and every young male I come across that "Girls are yucky"

While this is so often true, I got the feeling they didn't believe me.


While I can't recall a specific "talk", things got discussed when happenstance occurred, and trust me these kids know a LOT more then I ever did at their age, lol.

Like's been said, answer questions as best you can, but excruciating detail might not be required,...." Little 8 year old Danny went up to his Dad and asked where he came from, His Dad was dreading this day, but he dutifully went into great detail about "The Birds and Bees". Finally finished, Dad wiped the sweat from his brow and asked Danny if he understood and did he have any questions.

Danny said, nope, we learned all that stuff in health class, I just wanted to know where I came from, my friend Tommy came from California."

[Terry Murbach]

THIS IS EASY TO HANDLE, YSABLE KID. WHEN THE SUBJECT FINALLY COMES UP YOU ABSOLUTELY INUNDATE HIM WITH INFORMATION UNTIL HE GETS ALL GLASSY EYED AND FINALLY SAYS " THANKS DAD. "
WHEN MY BOY WAS EIGHT HE ASKED ME ONE DAY WHERE HE CAME FROM.
I TOLD HIM EVERYTHING HE WOULD EVER NEED TO KNOW INCLUDING SOME I HOPED HE WOULD NEVER NEED TO KNOW AND DIDN'T STOP FOR MOST OF FOUR HOURS. WHEN I WAS ALL DONE I ASKED IF THERE WERE ANYMORE QUESTIONS ?
NOPE.
DID I MISS ANYTHING ??
I DON'T THINK SO.
WHY DID YOU GET CURIOUS NOW ??
WELL MY PAL ROY TOLD ME HE CAME FROM CLEVELAND....

[JohnnyReb]

I have raised 2 boys and 2 girls.
Better have the talk NOW. The information comes at a younger age all the time. He probably knows alot already but probably won't admit it.

Need to get ahead of that learning curve.

[brucew44guns]

I heard a man say a few days ago, that we are in an age now where approximately 1 out of each 2 people will at some point contract an STD, that's 50% of the now living folks. Some of these are curable, some are not. Taking the care you are going to take, trying to point out these and other nightmares that can easily come to us through ignorance is pretty noteworthy Jay. You'll do a good job I'm sure. Parents can easily save their kids life these days.

[Marlin .35]

NEVER!!!!!! He was always too drunk!!! Art

[Travis Morgan]

Well, I can't help you. We only have a girl, and I figure that will be her Mama's job when the time comes.

Good idea..... grandpa!

[Travis Morgan]

I knew girls had cooties........ I also figured out cooties ain't all that bad.

I also found out the CLAP IS BAD! So is explaining why you are sweating bullets and need to go see the Dr. NOW!

[bigfred44]

I will never forget the talk my old Dad gave me He said "if you feel like you need to shoot you're pistol go out behind the barn and shoot it and leave them stinkin @$$ girls alone they ain't nothin but trouble

[papabear]

I don't have boys just 2 girls but i did talk to them about boys and what there after when they were about 12 years old they asked a lot of questioned and all i could do was hope they understood what i told them there now 23 and 19 years of age and i don't want to know weather the talked help or not at this time