HUMOR - The Tools in my workshop:

Old Ironsights · Post by **Old Ironsights** » Mon Apr 21, 2008 3:03 pm

Common Tools Explained!

To the unitiated, the workshop can be an intimidating place, full of tools you may not know what to do with. To help, here's a helpful explanation of common tools and their uses.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned cleco calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh rats!"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bum per.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle

gamekeeper · Post by **gamekeeper** » Mon Apr 21, 2008 3:10 pm

True and very funny.

Old Ironsights · Post by **Old Ironsights** » Mon Apr 21, 2008 3:18 pm

LEAD POT: Device for creating vast quantities of black smoke from "clean" ingots and creating interesting fountians of molten lead tinsel before pouring 20lbs of 700deg lead onto your sneakers...

PROGRESSIVE PRESS: Specialty device designed to manufacture Squib loads in the middle of a production run and double charge cases destined to be used upon saying the words "These don't have much recoil..."

piller · Post by **piller** » Mon Apr 21, 2008 6:59 pm

Screwdriver---that thing used to ruin screws and leave gouges in the pretty wood of a firearm.

Ram Hammer · Post by **Ram Hammer** » Mon Apr 21, 2008 9:15 pm

Hammer - Device used to cause throbbing thumb syndrome which reminds owner why he has the contractors phone number by the phone.

95fan · Post by **95fan** » Mon Apr 21, 2008 9:18 pm

piller · Post by **piller** » Mon Apr 21, 2008 9:33 pm

Body Dolly: device to cause broken toes when dropped.
Post hole diggers: tool for propping up person as they look at work to be done.
Ladder: device to cause user to fall off of roof.

Post by **Ysabel Kid** » Mon Apr 21, 2008 9:38 pm

Have you been hanging out in my workshop?

FWiedner · Post by **FWiedner** » Mon Apr 21, 2008 9:50 pm

Dremel tool - A hand-held power tool used to create unsightly and run-away gouges in beautifully figured wood or to viciously abraid deeply blued gun metal.

horsesoldier03 · Post by **horsesoldier03** » Tue Apr 22, 2008 1:33 am

Sounds about how I use all of my tools in my tool chest.

mark · Post by **mark** » Tue Apr 22, 2008 1:43 am

Spot on,

I forwarded a copy to a toolmaker mate of mine.

Cheers

Mark

Jaguarundi · Post by **Jaguarundi** » Tue Apr 22, 2008 1:45 am

I printed and posted for the shop

!